Hello, this is Adam and Joe on XFM with you for the next two hours.
We're going to have a crap commentary corner this afternoon.
We'll be giving away Anchorman DVDs.
What else are we doing, Ann?
Shall I play my introductory jingle?
That's a good idea, yeah.
That sounds interesting, let's talk about it I always enjoy our little chats
I never know what you'll say Did you see the children in the frat camp?
Do you think the parents are to blame?
I'm not sure about that new TV show Will you text me that great new ringtone?
I just love it and it makes me laugh I'm not sure about that new TV show That sounds interesting, let's talk about it
Let's start talking now.
Oh, that's exciting.
Isn't it?
All the things we could cover.
All the things we could cover.
I'd like to talk about that new TV show.
Which, that one?
Yeah, the one that was on last night.
Oh, the Friday Night Project.
Yeah, but I've got a new rule not to be rude about anybody else in the industry.
When did you make that rule up?
A couple of weeks ago.
You did not make it up a couple of weeks ago.
You were rude about people last weekend.
Was I?
Who was I rude about?
Er, people who write for Empire magazine.
Yeah, but they're not really in our industry.
Well, they're in an industry.
I wasn't rude about them, I just said I've violently disagreed with their opinions on the Life Aquatic.
So I can't talk about the Friday Night Project.
Did you have a run-in with someone that made you, er, think, rethink, or did you just have a soul-searching moment?
Er, no, I just imagined what it would feel like if someone was talking about me critically on the radio.
And did that happen?
Did you get some criticism?
Nope.
That hurt you?
Nope.
Did you see someone on the internet?
No.
Did you get a nasty text?
No.
Did you get a nasty email?
No.
I'm just trying to better myself, you know.
Yeah, I'm just curious about the epiphany.
Yeah.
So can't talk about the Friday night project.
Except to say that it was terrific.
Right, I'm going to talk about it, though, later on.
OK.
Why can't you talk about this ludicrous behaviour?
You can talk about it in a completely rational way.
Cos I know pretty much everybody involved, apart from them.
That's OK.
You don't have to be horrible about them personally.
I don't know Vinny.
Everyone was doing their best.
But you can still talk about the final product.
Anyway, I think we should address the Friday night project later on, seeing as it's a big new Channel 4 show and it's kind of an exciting thing in a way.
Well, I'm going to be very pro at it.
Because that's something that's good to do, isn't it?
One of us is pro something, the other one is con, and then you get a balanced opinion.
I'm gonna be very pro it, but I'd like to say how I'm lying.
How do you know?
Oh, right, okay.
Well, I'm gonna be very pro it as well.
You know, I found some of it very enjoyable.
The ending part.
Anyway, we'll talk about that later on.
Also, I presume that we won't be talking about the new series of 24 because you're not a fan, but I-
Oh, I started watching that this week.
That was great.
Two-hour episode last Sunday evening.
It was like being... having a lovely warm bath after six months in a coal mine.
It was amazing.
I think you're missing out, man.
You should get in on a 24 action.
And you didn't see Wife Swap this week, did you, by any chance?
Missed Wife Swap, no.
Do you usually watch that?
I used to in the first couple of series, but now I don't anymore.
Drifting off?
I never usually watch it, you see.
I caught it for the first time this week.
But I tell you what, they were talking about it on a rival radio station, so I heard them talking about it.
What were they saying?
Er, I don't know, going on about- oh, well, it was to do with posh people being filthy.
Er, can I mention another radio station, Lola?
Yeah, go on then.
OK, er, but no, what's it called?
It used to be called GLR Radio London.
John Gaunt in the morning, he's a very sort of er, irritating- You love Gauntie.
Actually, I do love Gauntie, he winds me up in the morning.
He was going on about posh people, middle- middle class liberals being dirtier than working class people.
Because it had- did it have a posh wife, and a sort of working class wife, and the posh wife was filthy, mucky, dirty.
Oh, well, she wasn't very posh.
That's what Gaunty thought.
Well, maybe for Gaunty she was posh, but not in my book, and I don't consider myself that posh.
Anyway, I'd like to talk about, you know, wife swap a bit later on, and as Joe mentioned, of course we do have those exciting competitions and a lot of good prizes to give away this week as well.
Terrific prizes.
You know, I'm going to be talking about the Sundance Film Festival.
Are you?
Yeah.
Because that's happened and there's some hot titles there.
Yeah, it'll be a quick conversation.
Brat Camp I would like to talk about.
Yeah, yeah, I'll certainly chat to you about Brat Camp.
So there's loads of great stuff, but maybe we should play some music, because people who've just been listening to Alex's show there are used to a constant stream of Top Rock hits, and, you know, they might be going cold turkey.
OK, well here's some Idlewild.
The Stereophonics with their exciting new return to form, Dakota, sounding a little like U2 there.
And Gary Newman.
And Gary Newman.
Which is good, I think.
That's two good things.
Yeah, and in the video, he's driving along in a car with a girl, and halfway through, her hat blows off.
Are they in the desert?
That's all that happens, yeah.
Are they in the desert?
Yeah.
I knew they'd be in the desert!
It's not a particularly exciting video.
If I had a pop band, I'd shoot a video in the desert in a car with a girl.
Yes, like what Darius did.
Yeah, we'd be driving along and it would be hot and there'd be cactuses, cacti, and the girl would be quite attractive with big badoobies.
And while the camera was rolling, you'd get to touch her, but then as soon as they said, cut, she'd go, get off!
Don't touch me, do not touch me there!
Don't ever touch me again or I'll kill you.
Now, did you see, did you see, by any chance, this new advert on telly, right, for something called KY Warming Liquid?
Are you speaking to me?
Yeah.
Yes.
You have seen that?
No.
Well, it was on, it was on during wife swap, which I also want to chat about a bit later on.
So wife swap, I'm talking about 9.30 on a channel, on channel 4.
And this is a TV advert?
TV advert, yeah.
And as far as I can tell, mate, I'll just play you the advert first of all.
See what you make of this.
Oh, that's wrong.
Oh, dear me.
I thought I was gonna get sorted on the button front this week, but I'm obviously still a bit rubbish.
Here we go.
So this is the advert.
So what do you reckon about that?
I mean, it's fairly clear what that's for, is it not?
Or is it like deep heat?
It's a muscle relaxant.
It sort of has the same effect as deep heat, I would imagine, in that it causes a warming sensation, that's the key thing there.
But I think KY, and I might be wrong about this, are generally known for their range of sex-related products.
Well, KY Jelly is a commonly used lubricant, but it can be used for other things other than close physical relations.
But in America, in particular, it's shorthand for a sexual lubricant.
That's right.
So the kings of the lubricants, KY?
They are.
They're the lubricant kings.
And I think this is another long line of their excellent lubrication products.
But it is specifically targeting the
sex market people who enjoy sexual congress and want to enhance their sexual congress.
What's happening in the advert?
What's happening on the screen?
Not very much.
There's a guy reading the paper and- Not hardcore pornographic action.
No, no.
There's a marriage going wrong.
A marriage is going wrong.
Oh really?
So they slu- what's the word?
Smother themselves in generating jelly.
Yeah.
No, you don't even see that.
There's a guy sitting on the couch reading the paper and the marriage is going wrong and in the foreground his wife has found a tube of the jelly of the warming gel and she's very excited because she knows that imminently the marriage is going to start improving and there's going to be some warm warming sensations on contact.
But I was just curious about the ad, I was curious to know if this is the first ad that's ever actually advertised a product specifically for sexual purposes.
I know there's lots of ads that are for general health purposes, for your undie parts and things like that, but those are fairly utilitarian.
This one is specifically for the, you know, just for sex reasons.
Are there any other sex product ads on TV at the moment?
I don't know.
Maybe the listeners can help us.
You can text us on 83XFM.
Let us know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
This is some kind of watershed, I'm thinking, you know, because I guess there's chat lines.
You could say that was a sort of sex service, but they're always dressed up as... I still don't understand how a heat-generating paste would help your sex life.
Well, man.
Where would you put it?
Where do you think?
Yeah, but... What?
It would be great!
Just to have a hot... I've got no problem with the idea.
Hot todger.
Hot toge, hot box, everything would be great.
Would you come?
Can you put it... This is getting a bit... Well, exactly.
You've got to be careful.
But I tell you, this is the floodgates opening in more ways than one, I think, for TV ads, surely.
If this ad can get on, then I'm expecting advertisements for the inflatable person, for example.
Keeping a relationship alive?
It takes work.
So why not take a break with something plastic?
The new ANJ Inflatable Person.
Creates an enjoyable sensation on contact.
Choose between male person or female person.
Or even for more fun, a mafra person.
Call now.
Free pump when you buy the set.
That kind of thing, I'm thinking.
Wow.
I'll take one.
OK, you get a free pump.
And so yeah, do let us know if you can think of more ads specifically targeting the sex market.
Right now, here's the first of our brilliant free plays this week, and it's Ben Folds Five Underground.
That's The Killers with Mr. Brightside.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
There's a lot of killing bands around this, The Killers, The Kills.
I saw a thing on Popworld the other day about how Murder Inc, Murder Incorporated, is that the name of them?
Yeah, they're a hip-hop label.
And they had to just, they just have to be called Incorporated now, I think, because, you know...
It's not good to encourage killing.
People don't like murder, generally.
But at least the killers have called their record Mr. Brightside.
So that's a bit of a balance there, isn't it?
Exactly.
They're looking on the bright side.
So this week, listeners, on Channel 4 you may have seen Brat Camp.
It's the return of their hit series about troubled posh kids that are taken off to a camp run by sort of really quite unappealing, horrible American men with beards.
I like them.
Who put them through torture.
Why are they unappealing?
Well, I don't know.
I always think that they might have as many mental problems as the kids.
If you end up running a ranch where you discipline children, I think you might possibly have psychological problems yourself.
I think there should be another series called Ranch Camp, where people who run those things are put through tortures by kids.
Why, what's wrong with them, though?
What's wrong with who?
By the people that run the camp.
I just do not look at them.
Their jeans are too tight.
Their shirts are tucked into their jeans.
They've got weird, carefully crafted beards.
They just seem like serial killers.
I don't know.
Maybe it's just me.
But the other thing that got me a bit wound up about Brett Camp, and I don't know whether anyone agrees with me, is that there's this thing that happens when a show's a hit.
The people in it become self-aware.
They've seen the previous series, so they know that whatever happens to them, they're going to be TV stars.
So this was illustrated by a scene in the first episode, which you may have seen, where there's a girl with sort of purple hair that refuses to get on the plane and go to the camp.
She goes, no, I don't want to!
I don't want to!
I'm not going!
Why should I go?
And there's a big scene, and her parents are trying to persuade her to go, and then her boyfriend steps in.
Do you remember this bit?
Did you see this bit?
I didn't see the beginning.
No, I missed the beginning.
Her boyfriend steps in and takes her aside.
The voiceover goes, I'm not sure what her name was, but Kelly is refusing to go.
She's having a fit.
Her boyfriend takes her aside.
They have a conversation and soon the tables have turned.
She comes back all bright and smiley, jumps on the plane.
What happened in that conversation?
What didn't we hear?
I think the boyfriend, the boyfriend went, Curly, look, you're going to be on TV.
For God's sake, you're going to be on a major Channel 4 series for six weeks.
What is it they can possibly do to you that will not make it worth doing?
And she went, yeah, you're right, sorry, I'm stupid, I haven't been thinking.
I don't care what they do to me as long as I get on telly.
Yeah, because she ran off and jumped in.
I can never understand.
What the tears are about when they finally get to the camp, you know what I mean?
It's like, do they not understand what they are taking part in?
They're on television, they're surrounded by obviously friendly cameramen, you know, because they talk to the cameras and they're quite candid with them.
And they do their little video diaries and stuff as well.
Surely it's exciting.
And they're going to America?
To the American states in America?
And all they've got to do is not swear smoke and sleep on a wooden board.
I'd do that to get a six-part series on Channel 4.
Yeah, exactly.
And then their parents are coming out and... I'd put piercings in.
And then just take them out.
You know, to get a six-part series on Channel 4.
Yeah, it'd be brilliant.
I'd find Brat Camp, Luxury Camp, more like.
I know.
Fame Academy, they should call it.
Yeah, yeah.
Tell them, Joe Cornish.
Who's this now?
This is The Libertines on XFM.
That's Block Party with So Here We Are.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM this Saturday afternoon.
I'm looking forward to that Block Party album coming out.
I'm going to go and buy it.
When's it out?
February the 14th.
That's out.
We've got Crap Commentaries coming up very shortly in the beginning of the next hour.
And is it a difficult one or a fairly easy one this week, Joe?
It's an obscure one.
I was just going to read out a text.
What's happening to my text screen?
Oh, no.
Oh, no, text crashed.
Somebody texted in, just apropos our conversation about Brat Camp.
OK.
Um, that somebody knows one of the boys from Brat Camp, Joe.
Do you remember that one?
Who's he?
Is he the sort of posh punk one?
He looks a bit like a member of the Noise Next Door.
He's in this series of Brat Camp.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The text says, I know Joe from Brat Camp.
It's got a swear word in it.
But do you know another word for kitten?
Which can be used to describe somebody who's got no, uh, cojones.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's one of those.
And he only acts like a brat for his mum.
I once did a bong hit with him.
That's a good text.
Keep those texts coming in, 83XFM.
Sorry, where were we before we got into that?
The crap commentary corner, yeah.
It's coming up.
You could win a copy of Anchorman on DVD, which I thought was brilliant.
Will Ferrell's comedy film.
Some people think it's sort of a bit patchy.
I think it's got moments of genius in it, Anchorman.
Yeah, it's very good.
I mean, yeah, it's pretty simple stuff, isn't it?
It's fairly straightforward, and one very simple idea stretched amazingly into an entire film, but it kind of works thanks to the genius of Feral.
So you could win a copy of that in Crap Commentary Corner coming up, and it's quite obscure.
Shall I tell you how obscure it is?
Go on, then.
It comes from a film that you can't actually get on DVD in the UK.
that's impossible then not really not for our listeners adam really yeah because they're such remember the last impossible one we had what was it i thought the impossible one was completely impossible oh it was that one with lily sabeski or something yeah we we owe it every time we think we've got an impossible one our listeners get it someone pulls it i think they'll do it again okay good
Um, did you see the new series of Look Around You starting this week?
You know what, I was working, so I missed it.
I wasn't working, I was at the theatre.
It was really good.
You went to the theatre?
Yeah.
Ooh, excuse me!
Ooh, the theatre!
Ooh!
Sorry, I don't know why I did that.
Um, what did you go and see?
Uh, the History Boys.
The History Boys?
Yeah, it was very, very good.
But Look Around You I hear was brilliant as well.
Look Around You was very good, very strong start, I thought, and, uh, really made me laugh.
And this was my favourite bit.
You've got to see it.
Did you tape it or anything?
I didn't know.
It'll come out on DVD.
I love the DVD of the first series.
It's fantastic and I look forward to the second one.
Here's another quite good idea for Brat Camp.
Come in on the texts that they should film it but just at the very end, the final twist would be they tell them that there's been no film in the camera.
Well, there you go.
That was a little sketch that was on Armando Iannucci's 2004 The Stupid Version.
And he actually did that for real.
And in a similar... Oh, no, it wasn't that similar, in fact.
There was a thing with Vinnie Jones in a cupboard yesterday on The Friday Night Project as a reality show.
That was one of the more inspired ideas, I thought, on there.
So here's my favourite little bit.
Before we have a free play from you that you've brought in, Joe, which is a bit of Sly and Robbie, here's my favourite bit from Look Around You.
This was Kevin Eldon with his idea of what music in the year 2000 would sound like from the perspective of someone in 1980.
MUSIC PLAYS
Dino Dino Dino The Macadam is a veteran of it
Not that far away from what it sounds like now.
Yeah, exactly.
We're just in a different language.
That's like Block Party.
Yeah, that's what Ukrainian music sounds like now, isn't it?
And so the new series of Look Around You continues on Mondays, is it?
Yeah.
At, uh, I think at 10 o'clock on BBC Two.
Telly time.
Telly time.
Right, now, who's this, Joe?
Introduce this for us.
Oh, this is my free play.
This is Sly and Robbie.
Uh, this is a track called Boops.
If you've never heard it before, enjoy it.
If you have, you'll enjoy it even more.
Crap commentary corner, coming up.
Yeah!
Yeah, that's California by Phantom Planet.
Of course, it's the theme tune to the O.C.
like right now.
And other film fact, of course, is that Jason Schwartzman used to be in Phantom Planet.
Did he really?
From Rushmore and stuff.
That's right.
This is Adam and Joe on XFL and London's 104.9.
It's time for Crap Commentary Corner, and I've got a new jingle this week, but can we just refresh the listeners' memories of the old jingle, Adam, please?
I don't think I did that one.
Yeah, you did.
It was wicked.
Did I?
Yeah.
Oh, brilliant.
Well, that wasn't a crap commentary corner jingle.
This is the old crap commentary corner jingle, is it?
Yeah.
Still sounding good.
Kick it.
What?
What?
So that was the crap commentary corner jingle.
We've only used that once, but already I've got a new one.
Cos I wasn't sure that the music behind that one had a lot to do with movies.
It's Bob James with Tappan Zee, you know, jazz funk.
Yep.
So I've come up with one that's got some movie music on it.
So have a listen to that one.
This new one.
It's time to call in You could win something amazing Let us begin
Can you guess which film we're playing?
I hear it, what they're saying.
Crap commentary corner.
Ah.
Wow, just in time for the Oscars.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
Yeah, you could slip in there with a best nomination, you could go up and do it on stage with Randy Newman.
Best nomination?
Yep.
Is there a best nomination category?
Yeah, there is, best nomination.
Wow.
I'm in with a very good chance of winning that.
Yep.
So, um, are you ready with the clip, Sarah?
I think I am, yes.
OK, so the idea of this competition is, of course, you've got to guess what film this commentary has been taken from.
Tell us what the film is and who's talking.
It's quite obscure, but if you know your movies, you should be able to get it.
If you listen carefully, there's a couple of clues.
If nobody gets it, then we'll give you a bigger clue.
The number is... That's... You can only win this competition on the phone.
You can win a copy of Will Ferrell's new film Anchorman on DVD.
Is that everything explained?
That's everything.
Shall we have the clip?
Let's have clip number one.
Wow.
Who could that be?
It's somebody really cool, whoever it is.
Who cast their movies out of Burger Kings and slaughterhouses?
Um... It's a tricky one.
It is a tricky one.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
Win a copy of Anchorman on DVD.
Shall we have clip number two?
OK, here we go.
Believe it or not, in the very last day, he filmed like two-thirds of the film.
And that was the day the guy fought the chair and I did my scene with a dwarf.
And after it was done, I pulled my pants down and threw my sister through a plate glass window and vomited in a yellow bucket and woke up a few days later and the film had been finished.
And someone had stabbed me with like a little red army pocket knife.
This guy's different.
Whoever it is, it's different.
He plays against the rules.
Yeah, he's in the process of blowing my mind.
He's a maverick.
He's an underground maverick.
Now, who is that?
Can you tell us who that was talking and which film he's talking over?
Just a reminder of the number.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
Get calling now and we'll find out who's won very shortly.
Right now, hear the future heads.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
So I think that song might have just got very, very loud in the middle there.
And that was my fault.
I leaned on the button by accident.
It was distorting in my headphones quite a lot.
That was the Future Heads with Hounds of Love, the distorted version, just to make it sort of more exciting here on XFM.
And you join us in the middle of crap commentary competition.
This week, we got an insane, super cool maverick.
Should we play one of the clips again, Ad?
Maybe the first one, just to remind people?
I quite like the second one.
Play the second one.
Here we go.
You know, casting is something that seems
Oh no, that's the first one.
That's the first one, yeah.
Yeah, I like the one where he describes his day or whatever it was.
Believe it or not, in the very last day we filmed like two thirds of the film and that was the day the guy fought the chair and I did my scene with a dwarf and after it was done I pulled my pants down and threw my sister through a plate glass window and vomited in a yellow bucket and woke up a few days later and the film had been finished and
If someone had stabbed me with like a little red army pocket knife.
Wow, what kind of a life does he lead and what kind of a film can he have made?
We've got two callers on the line.
Let's go to Debbie first.
Well, obviously we were inundated with calls, but we've selected two to speak to.
Let's go to Debbie.
Hello, Debbie.
Hiya.
How you doing?
Hey, I'm alright, thank you.
Oh, fine.
You sound as if you're in maybe a padded cell.
Something like that, yeah.
really where are you actually no i'm just in my bedroom really are you in bed are you under the covers no are you are you is your body smeared in ky heat generating jelly no i wish it was get under the covers now and tell us what you thought was the answer sorry i thought it was party monster are you a fan of party monster debbie that is of course the film about michael ailey the notorious club kid killer did you like it i didn't see it but i know about the documentary so it sounded
That was directed by some friends of ours.
The people that gave us our break in TV.
Fenton Bailey and Randy Bobato.
And I'm afraid, Debbie, they're not the kind of people who would kick their sister through a plate glass windows and vomit into yellow buckets.
I'm sorry, that's wrong.
Bad luck, Debbie, but thanks a lot for calling.
And you know what?
You could win a co- I'm g- we're gonna give you a copy of Anchorman anyway.
Oh yay, thank you.
Yeah?
Have you seen it?
No.
Well, you will soon, and you will like it.
Thanks for calling, and just thanks for being generally sort of quite troublingly sexy.
Bye.
Er, now we've got Owen on the line.
Owen, hello.
Oh, hello, Owen.
Well, let's pretend I don't know you.
Who are you?
Well, my name's Owen.
Ah, OK.
Adam, maybe you'd better talk to Owen, because I know Owen.
Owen, Owen, will I be famous?
You know Owen's one of our most loyal listeners, aren't you, Owen?
Er, yes.
Owen, you broke your leg, didn't you, several months ago?
I did, and I spoke to you then.
You spoke to me then.
I was very discompassionate and you cut me off.
Yeah, and because you're in hospital or, you know, in hospital at home, you've listened to the show regularly every single week.
Have you ever missed a week?
I record it when I'm out.
Owen, I love you.
It's a sad life.
You're fantastic.
And what's your guess for crap commentary competition?
My guess is the movie is Gummo and the person talking is Harmony Kehoe.
Harmony Kehoe?
His name's not Harmony Keyhole, Owen.
No.
Harmony Corinne.
Yeah, that's absolutely right.
Well done.
Have you seen Adam?
Have you seen Gummo?
No, I haven't, no.
And that clip was not a great source of encouragement.
Gummo's amazing.
It's a fantastic film, wouldn't you say, Owen?
Er, I haven't actually seen it either.
Oh, come on!
Has anyone, if anyone out there has seen Gummo, just, you know, back me up that it's fantastic.
It's extremely weird, slightly tedious, but it has amazing moments.
There's an amazing bit where a man just has a big fight with a chair.
It goes on for ten minutes and he beats a chair up.
And then he gets stabbed by a... He has a bath, not in spaghetti, he eats his spaghetti in the bath and some of it might fall in the bath.
Dude, and then he throws his sister through a plate glass window and then he gets stabbed in it with like a little red pocket knife.
And of course Harmony Corinne.
Owen, do you know what Harmony Corinne has done most recently?
Erm...
come on owen come on owen thrown up and gone to bed but he's involved with david blaine he directed all the david blaine street magic specials and he directed david blaine above the below and he was last seen i think just picking random fistfights with people in london what fascinating character congratulations owen uh congratulations just one um you can have two copies of anchorman and then you could give one to a friend maybe
Brilliant.
Thanks for calling.
Thanks very much for your call, Owen.
You're welcome.
Bye.
Bye.
Take care.
Lots of love.
I love you.
Bye.
Right, now it's time for a classic from Talking Heads.
This is one we picked off the XFM list thing, the X list, and it is from their very first album, 77, Psycho Killer.
Yeah.
That's Kasabian with Cut Off.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We're into our last half hour here.
We've got Ditties in the Dot coming up very shortly.
This week it's a kind of, er, scar off.
Hmm.
Is that right?
Something like that.
We first thought reggae to celebrate, er, Bob Marley's 60th birthday.
Well, he's still with us.
Er, but it's gone a bit scar-ian too, Tony.
But this is the tricky thing about Dizzies in the Dot, you decide a category and then you realise that within that category, there are subcategories.
For instance, the other week we were discussing whether the Human League were New Romantics.
You were contesting that fact, I bought them as my record for the New Romantic playoff in Dizzies in the Dot, but then I noticed that NME magazine has a big glossy thing in all the newsagents, a New Romantic sort of book, primer, mag, and they're at the Human League, right, in big letters on the front.
But it's true to say they could also be described as what?
Synthpop, Electropop?
yeah yeah so it's gonna be a sort of reggae ska two-tone basically you know reggae influence music ditties in the dock and if you get through and your vote gets on the air you could win an album by what are they called mercury rev the new mercury rev album you got three copies though yes so if you're one of the two unlucky ones you might get
some rubbish winter chill compilation or something winter chill or something rubbish anyway that's coming up shortly did you show you didn't see wife swap this week no now the thing that struck me about wife swap apart from the fact that it was very enjoyable you know very enjoyable show the only thing that was getting in the way of my enjoyment however was the voiceover I don't know if it's the same guy that always does it but you've never noticed that being annoying before have you
I'm trying to remember the voiceover for wife swap.
Well, let me give you let me give you a little blast of it here You will notice that this is a series of phrases that I've cut together quite tightly But you will notice that every single phrase has the exact same intonation now The thing is I know I'm on slightly thin ice here because I've done a few bland voiceovers in my time And it's very easy to slip into a pattern of saying everything in exactly the same way when you're doing a voiceover But I just think shouldn't there be a director at least sitting in on the session saying, you know
That's nice.
Maybe try slightly different intonation this time.
The queen of the annoying intonation used to be Lisa Iansen.
And I'm worried that following her appearance on Celebrity Big Brother, she's going to be back doing her exactly the same voiceovers for everything she does voice, as featured in Ibiza Uncovered.
But this guy comes fairly close.
Check it out.
Gary seems to be in a class of his own.
Jojo's got to the root of the problem.
Dawn's taken charge of the kids.
Alan's struggling with the DIY.
Gary's keen to have a say in how it should be run.
Dawn starts to look around the house she's so proud of.
Gary will have a proper role in the house.
Dawn's cleaning is driving Alan mad.
Wow, that's absurd.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Well, from the same episode.
It's just a quick selection from... That's absurd.
I'd pop that in the post to Channel 4.
You know?
I think they could take action with evidence as strong as that.
But it may be just something that they've worked out scientifically, that that kind of intonation is reassuring for a viewer.
It's on CD.
Yeah.
I think we should send it to Channel 4.
This show could actually change something.
Yeah, that would be good.
But you see, I don't want to, you know, ruin things for the voiceover guy, because he's just trying to do a job.
It's not his fault.
He's just trying to do a job.
He's not his fault.
You don't want to ruin things for the voiceover guy.
But what I'm saying is surely the director should just say, look, what about trying something else?
But as a tribute to him and as a lesson that will sting the people that made Wiveswap forever, I've done a kind of house mix of that guy.
Here it is.
Gary will have a proper role in the house.
Gary seems to be in a class of his own.
Later that evening, Jojo's got to the root of the problem.
Dawn's taken charge of the kids.
Jojo's got to the root of the kids.
Later that evening, Alan's struggling with the DIY.
Alan's struggling with the housework.
Alan's struggling with driving Alan mad.
Later that evening, Jojo's got to the root of the problem.
Dawn's cleaning is the root of the problem.
It's the final evening of the housework.
It's the final evening of the swap.
Jojo's got to the root of the swamp.
Gary's keen to have a say in how it should be run.
Mental.
That is mental.
Do you think, it's an old joke, isn't it, but do you think someone like that just does that sort of thing around his house?
He's married to a woman called Judy.
Judy's decided to do the hoovering.
Right.
Shut up, I'm just hoovering.
Judy's annoyed.
Shut up!
No, it's not going very well.
Ken feels hungry.
He wants some supper, but Judy won't make him any because she's hoovering.
Yes, I think that's probably it.
Yeah, there's a sketch in there somewhere, but not a very good sketch show.
Ditty's in the dot coming up very shortly.
That's forgiveness by the engineers.
Oh, sorry, just engineers.
No, sir.
This is Admiral Joe on XFM.
This is in Adoptime now.
Just to explain very briefly, this is the part of the show where Joe and I battered out to be the person that gets to play their free play at the end of the show.
And this week, the category that we're battling from is kind of reggae light, ska, white reggae.
I don't know what you want to call it.
I think we're both battling for white bands.
I don't know what you've chosen.
Maybe we've chosen the same thing.
I think I've seen what you've got.
What have you got, Joe?
well i've got uh bad manners with lip up fatty one of the songs from my very very early childhood i used to think it was called lip up uh preggy uh something that me and my little friends used to say to pregnant women in the street lip up fatty mala lip up fatty yeah your preggy oh i see
Bad Manners, of course, lead singer Buster Bloodvessel.
They were all hailed from Stoke Newington.
And in fact, the whole band had silly AKAs similar to Buster Bloodvessel.
Douglas Trendle, who was on vocals, was the real name of Buster Bloodvessel.
The rest of the band consisted of Winston, Bazoonies, Reggie Mental, Marcus Absent and Mr. Boing Boing were all AKAs that the rest of the band had.
Those are excellent.
You don't get bands like that anymore.
That makes Public Enemy look pretty shoddy.
And it's a brilliant, you know, very accessible, chuggy, reggae rant, basically.
And it was a massive hit with everybody back in, I think, the mid-seventies.
And it was certainly a hit with little school children, the same little school children who are now, you know, texting Mr. Crazy Frog to each other.
So what I'm trying to say to you is that if you've never heard it before, you'll love it.
And, you know, if you have heard it before, then no doubt you will be calling in to vote for it on 0871 222 1049.
My choice is UB40.
Now, I know UB40 have been responsible for their fair share of really awful rubbish, but they started off doing pretty amazing stuff, and I want you to vote for Food for Thought.
Now, this is one of those songs that has a title which doesn't necessarily suggest the song itself.
Do you know what I mean?
What it should be called is Ivory Madonna, or, as I always misheard it, I'm a pre-Madonna.
See, it's another misheard lyric.
That's the only lyrics I know.
It's amazingly good, though, and it just made you think that UB40 were the most serious...
hardcore, yet tuneful, brilliant band you'd ever heard when the first time you heard this song.
So I want you to vote for UB40.
Food for thought.
Their high watermark, in my opinion.
It's between UB40 and Bad Manners.
0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9.
Sorry Joe, what were you doing?
Yeah, we should just remind people that every caller that gets through wins a copy of the new Mercury Rev album.
If they're one of the first three callers to be put on air, otherwise they win something pretty awful like the World's Greatest Ultimate 3CD Collection 55.
No, no, they're not winning that.
It's the brilliant feeder album.
Sorry, or the album by the others.
That's right, we are relegating the rubbish CDs to another DJ.
So you can win a brilliant album if you get on air.
So call now, 08712221049, UB40 or Bad Manners.
We'll find out after this.
London's 104.9.
This is XFM.
Yes, we're back for the resolution of Ditties in the Dock this week, which is a head-to-head between two titans of the white reggae-stroke-scar scene.
We've had a suggestion here.
We were asking what, because we don't think these are officially reggae songs, really.
We were wondering what to describe them.
Someone suggested COD reggae.
Thanks for the person who texted that in.
That's very accurate.
It is kind of COD reggae.
White reggae, perhaps you could call it, even though not all the members of these bands are white.
But it's Bad Manners versus UB40.
Yeah, I forgot.
Um, we've got five callers on the line.
Uh, shall we begin then?
Yeah.
Ooh, that doesn't sound good, does it?
Was that Phil?
Hello, Phil?
Phil, stop doing that beeping sound, Phil!
Stop it!
We're gonna go for Geoff.
We'll try and get Phil back.
Geoff, are you there?
Speak to us, Geoff.
Hi, Adam.
Hi, Joe.
Hello, how you doing?
Yeah, pretty busy.
Pretty busy?
Sorry, we won't keep you too long.
What are you busy with?
Sorry, what was that?
What are you busy with?
Oh, yeah.
Tax return's a bit late.
Oh, that is a bit late, mate.
You're gonna be fined.
£100 fine.
I know they're asking for more information.
Are they?
Ooh.
Oh, I think, well, maybe, you know, from the sound of your voice, you might be inside for a while.
Good for you for doing your own tax return, though, Phil.
Why is it getting so complicated?
It's called Jeff.
Jeff, it's Jeff.
Oh, it's Jeff.
Phil was the guy doing the beeping noise before.
Jeff, have you earned a lot of money?
Erm, no.
He's just trying to fiddle it.
You're trying to fiddle it, aren't you?
It does take a long time to fiddle it.
OK, Geoff, what's your vote?
Is it going to be Bad Manners or UB40?
I've decided on Food for Thought.
Yeah, it's a smash.
It's UB40.
It's the only good song they've ever done.
I don't know about that, but it's certainly one of their best.
But thanks very much indeed for your call.
Yeah, exactly.
Thank you, Geoff.
1-0 for UB40.
Shall we go back to Phil or shall we press on?
Yeah, Phil.
Phil?
Is that Phil speaking?
Yes, Phil.
Hello, Phil.
Hey, Phil!
Are you ready to call Phil or are you someone else masquerading as Phil?
No, no, no, you got that bit right.
I'm Phil, but it wasn't me beeping.
Oh, what's going on?
It's very strange, Phil.
Phil the drill.
How you doing, Phil?
I'm alright.
I got pulled by the police on my phone while I was holding for you.
Ah, that'll explain it.
Did they nick you?
Have you been fined?
No, they didn't, because I told them the reason I was phoning is to vote for UB40 or Bad Manners, and I told them Bad Manners, and he said, On your way, son.
Yay!
There you go.
Listen, Phil, we chat to you more, but I see we're actually running out of time, so we should try and whizz through these calls.
So that's one, all UB40 and Bad Manners.
Claire's on line three.
Hello, Claire?
I think it's actually Louise.
Oh, Louise.
Hello, Louise.
Louise?
Hello, Adam and Joe.
How you doing?
Fine, thank you.
And you?
We're doing extremely well.
Who are you voting for?
UB40 or Bad Manners?
It's got to be UB40, because I get the lyrics wrong as well, so I've got to do it one more time.
It's 2-1.
I'm the pre-Madonna in UB40's favour.
So, what's happening now?
We're going to go to Martin, I think.
Hello, Martin.
Martin.
Martin.
Martin.
Martin.
Martin.
Martin.
Martin.
Martin.
Martin.
Martin.
Oh, come on, Claire, please.
You said hello.
What's going on?
Claire, are you there?
I'm not sure what's happening.
There you are.
But bad manners it is.
Bad manners, so that's one all.
Oh, I'm so excited.
No, sorry, it's two all.
Two all.
Two to UB42 to bad manners.
So this final call is the deciding call, but we don't know whether we actually have anybody on the line because of technical problems.
Lila, who might be on the line?
It's truly Martin.
Martin, can you hear us?
Hello?
Hello, is that Martin?
That is never Martin, that is a man.
Is that Claire again?
Hi, this is Chris.
Hi, it's Chris.
Hey, Chris.
Hello, Chris.
I'm sorry, our producer's got some sort of complicated brain condition.
We're all having a bit of an off week.
It's like the man who mistook his wife for a hat.
So, hello, Martin.
Do you mind if we just call you Martin, anyway?
Chrissy Martin.
Chrissy Martin.
Who are you voting for, Chrissy Martin?
Well, they're both really, really good tunes.
You're a diplomat.
Oh, no!
Crushed!
Listen, are we gonna come back after this record?
Cos I've got something else to say.
OK, we'll come back very quickly, but thank you very much indeed for your call, Chris, and here are UB40...
Waiting for the manna Coming from the west I'm a river darlin' Rising in the darlin'
I'm not sure we'll be here next week I think we might be having a week off next week but we'll see you the week after I've very just quickly got to say if you're excited about the forthcoming Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie tomorrow afternoon at 12 20 in the Odeon Patton Street the executive producer
is giving a talk about it.
So if you're one of these hitchhikers fanatics who can't wait to hear more about that, that's a great event to go down to.
You can get free tickets by emailing hitchhikers, all one word, at sci-fi-london.com.
So just email them hitchhikers at sci-fi-london.com for a free ticket to that talk if you're a hitchhiker's fan.
Still tickets left as well for Funny Money, a comedy gala in aid of UNICEF for victims of the tsunami disaster in Asia.
That's at the Prince of Wales Theatre.
I'll be appearing, doing a bit of character stand-up, as well, of course, as XFM favourites.
Jimmy Carr, whole thing is hosted by Justin Lee Collins, who'll be with you very shortly.
and Fern Cotton.
You can also expect amazing comedy turns from Sean Lock.
He's brilliant.
Mackenzie Crook from The Office, Catherine Tate, Mike Wilmot, Jeremy Hardy, Arthur Smith, Matthew Holness from Garth Marenghi.
I recommend you catch that.
He does a hilarious character called Merriman Weir.
I think he's going to be doing that tomorrow.
All kinds of really good people on that, Bill, so get calling now.
The number for the Prince of Wales Theatre is 0870 850 9189.
0870 850 9189.
That's the Prince of Wales Theatre box office.
And it's Justin Lee Collins coming up right now.
This is XFM.
Bye!